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~just when i thought~ Friday, 28th February 2003
just when i thought it would not hit me this time, it did. post travel blues. or maybe just too much happening in the last weeks. or maybe both. so here i am, drowning in a wave of melancholy. sitting in front of tv zapping through channels cause my mind doesn't want to settle on something. checking my e-mails ten times a day. circling around the house without getting things done. feeling lonely. wanting things to happen faster. wanting things not to move today. wanting the phone to ring and then when it rings not wanting to pick it up. wishing for a whole long weekend of blue rain and pink floyd cause that is how i feel. ...okay i am really being melodramatic here. actually i got some things done yesterday. but there are so many thougths inside me and they are halfway in the past and halfway in the future and it makes me feel blue. makes me feel
like not seeing anyone and not going anywhere. so
here i am, coming down the
minutes ...but at least this mood makes me scan pictures and put together pages of memory and makes me write poems. so not so bad after all. maybe i should not fight it but dive into it?
take the feeling like India.. just going through everything and take it all in and in a way even live the unenjoyable moments to the fullest and put on some more of that sad music ... "Tell me if it's true / That I need you / You are changing / I've seen this road before / Down on this floor / It is hurting me" and dream of India. one day i will go there again, when the time is right, and it will be great again, and terrible, and moving, and awesome, and dirty, and unbelievable, and heartcracking, and soulsmoothing, and mindtrembling, and all of this at the same time. ~~lovely lonely
blue smiles~~
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